To tell you the truth, I really don't give a fuck anymore.

And with revenge, we sought redemption. Redemption for letting it slip away a year before. the loss that sent everything spiraling downward. But, through everything, we overcame and did it. Against all odds, we started the long journey back. It was hard, but it's not over. It's just the beginning. What a difference a year makes. Rarely, do we get the opportunity to put right what once went wrong. Now, the question is, can we do it one more time? Either way, at least I got a fourth championship. You can't take that away from me. I win!!!

I don't know. Three words that are becoming too familar and are carrying as much weight as some other three word groupings that I've writen about before. They are just as frightening and their validity are becoming equal which is something to really think about today. I'm slowly withering away.

So, let's get this straight, if it's positive, it's not true, if it's negative, then it's probably going to happen, right?

Either I'm making a huge mistake or a brilliant escape. I wish I knew.

Such a frustrating time this is. Starting to submerged once again into a familiar spot. About to walk through a door that will lead to either terminal bliss or terminal despair that will undoubtedly finish me off. It's sad. Every night as I drift to sleep, I see what I imagine is my warm place. A place where I have the only two things that matter. As it stands, I will likely never have any of them, which explains why this time period garners the name "dream." You have to take my word for it, it's there. You can reach, and for an instant, it's so close, only to slip further and further away, but stil come back every now and then to torture you. Could I have made a diffeence in one of them? In reality, that questionable. I do know, it wasn't supposed to happen then. But, what about now? Have we metamorphasized into state perpetual contentment? Or is it all just just out of reach? Hidden behind a veil of false hope. I really hope not, for if this is the case, we stand on the verge of a life so magical and so real, that it can only be described as serinity, a utopia where destiny and real life converge. From there, we write the chapters and perhaps, there will be a "happily ever after." I'm just afraid that this isn't how dreams work. In essence I maybe chasing multiple unicorns, only to find myself shrouded in permanent midnight. Now, the question is "Do I still believe?" Or am I fading away? Slowly eroding into hollow shell of bitterness and sadness, asking the simple question,"Why? What did I do? And how can I make amends?" It really is becoming too much to bear. I can only hope and pray to find utopia within that perfect drug.

"It ain’t dark yet but it’s getting there."
~ Bob Dylan

"Leavin home, out on the road
Ive been down before
Ridin along in this big ol jet plane
Ive been thinkin about my home
But my love light seems so far away
And I feel like its all been done
Somebodys tryin to make me stay
You know Ive got to be movin on

Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay

Goodbye to all my friends at home
Goodbye to people Ive trusted
Ive got to go out and make my way
I might get rich you know I might get busted
But my heart keeps calling me backwards
As I get on the 707
Ridin high I got tears in my eyes
You know you got to go through hell
Before you get to heaven

Big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay

Touchin down in new england town
Feel the heat comin down
Ive got to keep on keepin on
You know the big wheel keeps on spinnin around
And Im goin with some hesitation
You know that I can surely see
That I dont want to get caught up in any of that
Funky shit goin down in the city

Big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay

Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay
Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah

Big ol jet airliner
Dont carry me too far away
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its here that Ive got to stay

Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Carry me to my home
Oh, oh big ol jet airliner
Cause its there that I belong"

"Jet Airliner" ~ Steve Miller Band

I'm trapped. Period. Maybe, I'm making a mistake in everything. It will only lead to my inevitable undoing, to which I will never recover. This will be how this sad tale writes its sorrowful conclusion.

So strange. Nothing makes sense. Is it good? Or is it bad? (Psssssh, we're leaning towards the latter). Some days, it's like a dog chasing its tail. Today is one of those days. Eventually, something has to give, because I'm completley lost.

We're just hoping for some hope here all across the board in every way. Some days it's easy, some days it's hard. Am I worried about how things are progressing, or the lack there of? In a word, immensley.

Well theres a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that cant wait for the night
I hate to think Ive been blinded baby
Why cant I see you tonight?

And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And Im shaking so much, really yearning
Why dont you show up, make it all right?
Yeah, its all right.

And if you promised youd love so completely
And you said you would always be true
You swore that you would never leave me, baby:
What ever happened to you?

And you thought it was only in movies
As you wish all your dreams would come true
It aint the first time believe me, baby
Im standin here feeling blue
Yeah Im blue

Now I will stand in the rain on the corner
Ill watch the people go shuffling downtown
Another ten minutes no longer
And then Im turning around

The clock on the walls moving slower
My heart it sinks to the ground
And the storm that I thought would blow over
Clouds the light of the love that I found

Now my body is starting to quiver
And the palms of my hands getting wet
Ive got no reason to doubt you baby,
Its all a terrible mess

Ill run in the rain till Im breathless
When Im breathless Ill run till I drop, hey
The thoughts of a fools kind of careless
Im just a fool waiting on the wrong block, oh yeah
Light of the love that I found...

Led Zeppelin - "Fool In The Rain"
(Jones, Plant, Page)

The days are numbered...

It hurts to lose a brother this young. It hurts to know you'll never see them again. Especially when the last time you saw them was over two years ago. A life should never be taken this young and it hurts that I can't go home and pay my last respects, or say good-bye. Maybe, I'm in denial. Maybe I don't wanna realize it. But, regardless I will never forgive myself for not being able to go home to my second family. It's not fair, you were a brother. Always know that. Thank you for being my friend and I'm so sorry. I at least hope you'll be with me. We do this together and we conquer all, like it was supposed to be.

What do you see? Do you see the yellow lines pass one by one. Seems, we're the stupid ones. Then, again, it's nice to prove everyone wrong. Maybe I should listen and learn to see. Then, again, there's a reason for everything, as the sun fades beyond the mountains. It's a perpexed state to be. There has to be an answer lurking close by. What is now before me is a choice. Open a door and step into the unknown, with everything to lose and everything to gain. It's just a matter of who gets to say I told you so. But, who knows, maybe I'll open my eyes and it'll be raining. Then, I'll have all the answers I ever need.